MAKING TIME TO/FOR LOVE
I will be 75 years old soon and I have a secret I’d like to share, one that has made me fulfilled and happy for over 25 years. It’s a simple act that has, with daily practice, brought joy, love, peace and passion into my life and my relationships. What is needed is willingness, trust, respect and a partner committed to “connect” each day. Like practicing the piano daily to become a virtuoso, practicing making love can bring you to places you haven’t imagined. You can create more and more love in yourself and in the world. This is my story.
I was married to Ron for 42 years. The first 21 years were full of conflict and then we changed our relationship and shared 21 blissful years before he died in 2002.
Getting to this place took forever. After the first few glimpses of love while we were dating, we created expectations that made us doubt our love. We wanted so much from each other and our marriage that instead of continuing to grow more in love, our original love was lost in wanting and frustration. We were so distracted and busy during those years - with pregnancies and children, new jobs, moving, new homes and cities - that our relationship became secondary. His irritation and rigidity bumped up against my critical nature and loose ways. He followed the rules. I wanted to break them. He wanted to go to the same restaurants; I wanted to try new ones. He was contained and self-satisfied. I was hardly ever satisfied. He was optimistic and tended to exaggerate, while I took the opposite side and tended to minimize. He was reasonable and structured. I was emotional and spontaneous.
We had lots of reasons to argue and bicker. I thought love was all about what I felt. But I wasn’t thinking or feeling loving. I thought freedom and love were separate. If I really chose commitment and love, I was throwing away my freedom. How could I possibly have both? I spent years running away, feeling marriage and Ronnie were holding me back. I even asked, for a time, to try open marriage and had a few affairs. I didn’t value his love. I saw him imprisoning my soul and that prevented me from truly feeling love. I didn’t realize that I had to give it from my inner being. The task, I discovered, was not to seek love, but to seek ways to dissolve the barriers which prevented its acceptance and growth.
It was a long bumpy road when we seemed to disagree on almost everything as we held on to our righteousness and disdain, but there was enough loyalty, respect, honesty, home, children, and basic goodness holding us together during those years.
There were also occasions when the barriers came down and we saw and felt our love. Finally, after much processing and inner growth, I decided that I had a good man who I loved and respected. But the passion wasn’t there. I wanted more but didn’t know how to get it. We went to a couple of Tantra workshops where the homework was that we connect each day during the week we were there. When we were angry with one another, the teacher said to use that energy and transform it while making love. The result was the most passionate love we ever experienced. I remember Ronnie saying, “I don’t care what you’ve done because it brought us to this place.”
When we got home and life returned to normal and we ‘forgot’ or didn’t want to make love every day. Weekly was enough for me. I was still not willing even though Ron was. I always had a difficult time having an orgasm and often sex was frustrating. I wanted to climax, but just couldn’t.
Later, about midway in our marriage we separated…. and then chose each other again. We began a new marriage and a new commitment to put our relationship first. We decided to give connecting every day a try. Ronnie and I committed to “making love” by dissolving into love daily; to suspend our judgments, to grow beyond our past personalities and engage in, what became for us, a profound inner experience. Finally we were both willing to let go of any blocks that prevented us from staying in touch with our inner spirit of love, and to soften and choose love with each breath.
Much came up. In the beginning, it was sometimes difficult for me. I couldn’t even look at him without fear showing in my eyes. I was ashamed and closed down. Resistance and memories of being used and abused would surface. Many times I had to turn away because my thoughts and fears would overwhelm me. At these times he needed to exercise patience and support me through it.
There were many sessions where I would just sob and curl up like a fetus. These times were cathartic and just as important as the times of ease and passion. My tears would be hot (old un-shed tears), my emotions were strong and needed to be expressed and brought to the surface for compassion and forgiveness to follow. We accepted that. Tomorrow was another day and we were both changing. We became closer and more understanding of each other. We became kinder, more gentle, less critical and reactive.
Our new relationship, which we called our spiritual child, was getting stronger, happier, and more secure. We knew it was more important than our doubts, fears and differences, more important than our righteousness. We had changed from being two bickering egos to being open and committed to the movement of love within and between us. Our new marriage was based on mutual surrender to grow our spiritual bond, to respect and allow our differences. Both our egos had softened, now that we had pledged our love to grow together. We were cleansed of past jealousies, resentments and hurts. We were cherishing each other, having fun and feeling light. His anger and my sadness gradually disappeared.
How did we do all this? First we persisted. We set aside an hour late each afternoon for love. For me, massage along with conscious yogic breathing was important as “foreplay” to get myself relaxed and flowing. We invented a game, that we called “favors”. We played a hand of cards and whoever won could ask for whatever he or she wanted just for a full minute. In that way, we practiced giving and receiving and were amazed at how much energy we created. Soon, lovemaking happened and we were refreshed and ready for the evening. This letting go process came with a big plus in that we had more and more pleasure and passion. There were still occasional obstacles that came up. However, each time they were faced, dissolved and surrendered.
Every couple is different, with different desires. When beginning this practice, we both needed to know and express what we liked. At the beginning Ron tended to touch me the way he wanted to be touched, going right to my sexual parts. While I touched him the ways I wanted touching, by stroking him all over. When we made and played the game of “Favors”, we discovered that when I got a head or neck massage, I would groan with pleasure. He asked why I didn’t make those pleasure sounds when he made love to me. I said “you ARE making love to me. Now you know where my favorite pleasure spots are”. Everyone has their own favorite erogenous zones and they can change over time, so check often with your partner to be clear about how and where he/she desires attention.
Most couples resist this practice of giving and receiving love and pleasure every day. Why? It’s not easy to give up control, or to find time in busy households, to let go of the ego’s righteousness, to let down your boundaries and stop your constant train of thoughts. You think thoughts such as “this is stupid, it makes me uncomfortable, I have better things to do, I don’t have time, it’s only lust, there’s nothing spiritual about it, it’s too much work” and so on. Those are the hurdles, the noise in your head that needs to be put aside to move forward. Sometimes the wanting to break through is so intense that frustration, tears or contraction take over. That too is part of the practice, especially in the beginning. At these times, you and your partner need to develop patience and compassion and the session may end in just holding the other. Other times, it is so easy, so relaxing, so soothing, so soft and comforting. It can also be highly intense, explosive and passionate.
The main thing is to get in touch with the love energy inside, open up to it and to your lover and let it guide you as you surrender to it, breath-by-breath, moment-by-moment. It is both a prayer and a meditation. By all means, pray to feel love, to be love and to give love and watch what happens. I found that praying helped me to overcome my resistance to sex. It helped me open my body, heart, and soul to loving my husband and at the same time it put me in touch with an inner energy that feels like light. Surrender everything to that inner light.
Practicing making love is practicing letting go of the ego, if only for an hour a day. Lose yourself in love’s essence, your true eternal Self, the self that wasn’t born and never dies. Sometimes, it’s scary, like stepping off into the void, the unknown, but it’s always worth it. The result is positive, never negative. When we can do this, I believe we are creating love in the world and within ourselves. We are sexual beings and God has given us the means to create life, to create a miracle.
Sex has been given a bad rap in the religious world and in our inhibited society. I know I held back because I was taught that sex was lust and the boys just wanted to get into my pants. I must keep myself pure. Nice girls don’t do it. I've read that women really don’t enjoy it and do it as a duty or to have a baby. It was difficult to rid myself of those negative patterns of thought and beliefs that caused the resistance in my body. When I realized that the sexual act could be loving, healthy and bring spiritual awakening, I could finally begin to open to full participation in the art of love. It cleanses me daily and brings me into the full present moment. Sexuality is a biological doorway into Oneness. It is a willingness to see and be seen, to share and cherish.
A few years after my husband died I met my 2nd love, Tom. I knew he was the one I was looking for because my body, heart and mind accepted him. He, soon had me swooning with delight and respect. And he accepted me and became ready to adopt our daily routine of love. We find loving attitudes, practiced moves and touch are enough to get us started. We do shower; make the room pretty with flowers, candles and have a glass of wine to get relaxed. We talk, we touch, we massage and breathe, and stay present with each other, we kiss and then lose ourselves in making love. We then rest in the afterglow in each other’s arms. This can take 15 minutes or 2 hours. We both know that it is the best and most rewarding time of the day. We like the 5:00 o’clock time before dinner and after work. It cleanses away the day and energizes us for the evening.
There is no one way. Every couple needs to find their own way to get love's energy flowing. You may buy one or more of conscious loving or Tantra DVD’s. You can use beautiful music, you can dance or sing together or for each other, light candles, burn incense, place flowers all around. Toast to love with a glass of champagne or juice. Look deeply into his/her eyes. Tell him/her with your eyes or words how much love you feel. Exchange neck or back massages. Be creative. Be light and giddy. Dare to be weird or silly. Admit to being shy or embarrassed, but do it anyway. Ask God to help you to awaken the love inside. If a position begins to be uncomfortable, change it. If emotionally uncomfortable, you may need to talk it out, or better, if possible, breathe it away and discuss it later. Try to keep the bedtime positive, loving and sacred.
It is important to recognize that the process is more critical than the frequency, especially when you consider that most couples rarely make this space in their lives together. Perhaps one, two or three times a week will work for you. Or if some days you cannot take the time, remember to at least hug and look into your partner’s eyes lovingly. Appreciate each other with a kiss, a squeeze of the hand or a compliment. After you have practiced enough and have found the magic, there will be very few times you will want to miss your connect time. It will become the most important and exciting thing you do.
The purpose of loving another is to uncover the love/light in both of you. If you have a partner willing to take the journey of unfolding with you, then you are truly blessed. When one of you rises up a notch, he/she can help to bring the other up. The process can be symbolized as a triangle where you begin at the corners and eventually meet at the top. The relationship grows higher and deeper. Your small self withers and you grow into your larger Self. Each time you let go into the flow, your conditioned self (ego) loses its power. Another petal of the lotus flower opens. The letting go is truly ecstatic. When you can let go, you are simultaneously giving love to yourself and your lover energetically
Some days, even after 25 years of daily practice, I don’t want to do the ritualistic exercise. I don’t feel like making love, but I know it is a commitment. We know how to get started so we use discipline and just begin. It’s always worth it. We only need to remember why we’re doing this and how we feel during and after. We’re here to focus on each other so any talk in bed should be confined to personal exchange. When we begin to touch, talking needs to stop. My mind needs to step aside except to remind me to open to my love and my lover.
Below is some information I got from searching on the Internet;
Studies are showing that arousal and an active sex life may lead to a longer life, better heart health, an improved ability to ward off pain, a more robust immune system and even protection against certain cancers, not to mention lower rates of depression.
Thanks to a better understanding of the biochemistry of arousal, as well as advances in imaging techniques, doctors are closing in on some possibilities. Their efforts are leading them to the hormone oxytocin, which may be the key lubricant for the machinery of sex. Known for controlling the muscles of the uterus during childbirth, oxytocin surges up to five times as high as its normal blood level during orgasm. Studies in animals have also revealed oxytocin’s softer side. It is responsible for helping individuals forge strong emotional bonds, earning its moniker as the cuddle hormone. Released in the brain, oxytocin works in the blood, where it travels to tissues as distant as the uterus, as well as along nerve fibers, where it regulates body temperature, blood pressure, wound healing and even relief from pain.
The strongest case that can be made for the benefits of sex come from studies of aerobic fitness. The act of intercourse burns about 200 calories, the equivalent of running vigorously for 30 minutes. During orgasm, both heart rate and blood pressure typically double, all under the influence of oxytocin.
It’s well known that married folk tend to live longer and suffer less depression than singles do. But is this because of more frequent sex, simple companionship or some benign aspect of personality that lends itself to marriage? Teasing apart such matters is difficult, but sex itself appears to be factor. A study of 3,500 Scottish men, for example, found a link between frequent intercourse and greater longevity. A much smaller study of elderly men found that those who masturbated appeared to experience less depression than those who did not. In addition, frequent sexual activity has been tied to lower risk of breast cancer in women and prostate cancer in men, a relationship that is still not fully understood but may involve some interaction between oxytocin and the sex hormones estrogen and testosterone and their roles in cell signaling and cell division. “Scientifically, it’s an exciting time that will lead to a lot of rethinking and reconceptualizing of human sexuality,” says Dr. John Bancroft, director of the Kinsey Institute. As the answers come in, the human race may begin to appreciate that the “sex glow” stays with them a lot longer than they realized.
